Celebrate the National Day of Listening on November 27, 2009

On Friday (that is, the day after Thanksgiving), each of us is encouraged to spend an hour recording interviews with loved ones, and preserve them for generations to come.

It's called the National Day of Listening -- friends and family are likely to be together and able to spend an hour honoring one another by listening. What a great idea to take time to tell people that their lives matter and that they won’t ever be forgotten. Interview a loved one or a community member whom you would like to honor—your grandfather, your aunt, a neighbor, a mentor, a veteran, or an old friend.

What a great gift to the future -- passing on a loved one's story to those who are too young (or not yet born!) to ask for themselves.

There's a complete do-it-yourself guide that details how to choose who to interview, prepare for the interview by creating a list of questions, and then record and save the interview. Here are just a few examples of questions:

• What was the happiest moment of your life?


• What are you most proud of?


• What are the most important lessons you've learned in life?


• What is your earliest memory?


• How would you like to be remembered?

There are dozens of great questions like these on the site. Some are especially designed by relationship (grandparents, parents, spouse/partner, siblings, friends, older community members); others cover various life stages and personal topics (growing up, working, religion, love and relationships, school, marriage, raising children, serious illness, family heritage, war).

Here's a video that describes the process:



The National Day of Listening is a project of StoryCorps and its partners: NPR, the American Library Association, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, and the Corporation for National and Community Service/Americorps.

Sad day for marriage equality. But now I'm moving on to the next skirmish.

So the people of Maine have voted. And 53% get to take away the civil liberties of a minority.

Deja vu, all over again. In October 2008, my husband and I got married. We had made huge (for us) contributions to the No on 8 campaign. I worked my heart out as a volunteer on that one -- can't even guess how many phone calls I made. Then, it was just a year ago today that we went to the polls in California. Election day was spent staffing a "get-out-the-vote" hub. Woke up the next morning to find that Prop 8 passed, also with a slim majority.

I remember the hurt. I remember the tears. I remember the anger.

And today, I feel it all over again.

Last year, the election results awakened me, motivated me to become much more involved in my community at an unprecedented level. The results from Maine simply reinvigorate that commitment.

I still do not understand how equality can be put to a popular vote. The majority MUST not define the rights of a minority. That's the real outrage. Time after time, my rights and full equality under the law are being put to a popular vote.

Now the fault-finding and finger-pointing will begin. Sure, I'm filled with anger at the National Organization for Marriage and the Catholic church. And at a President who could have said something and didn't. But hold on a minute.

Based on the numbers, voters at the polls in Maine voted against their gay family and friends. How? Why? Is it really possible that all of those people voted to strip rights away from LGBT friends? Could they really have voted against people they love? I can't believe that.

I believe that, when people know us, it's far more difficult to vote against us. Which is why my own community -- despite the temptation of blaming others -- really needs to examine itself. Harvey Milk told us years ago: "Come out, come out, wherever you are." We’re a community; we need to act more like a community. Until we really start caring about what happens to each and every one of us, nothing will change for any of us.

We need to continue to reach out so that real people get to know the real us. Now is not the time to fight hate with hate. Hearts and minds are changed through honest, heartfelt discussion. I believe this. I must believe this.

It's time to reveal ourselves as the love-filled people we are. Let them know us. One-by-one. Face-to-face.

Yes, hurt, tearful, and angered. And the fight will go on.

Marriage Equality: One Year Later

One year ago this weekend, I was married to my partner of 23 years. I'm celebrating this first anniversary, feeling joy, anger, disappointment, and hope.

Joy, because I am married to a wonderful man with so much love to share.

Anger, because of last year's Prop 8 election result, and the California Supreme Court's subsequent upholding of the stripping away of a right from a group, because a slim majority of the public wanted it so.

Disappointment, because while I am still legally married (the Court didn't nullify my marriage), I feel a bit like a freed slave. I have my rights, but my brothers and sisters in my community don't have theirs.

And hope. Hope, because today is Coming Out Day and tomorrow, thousands will march in Washington and elsewhere, for equality ... demanding equal protection in all matters governed by civil law in all 50 states.

If you want to see what a gay wedding looks like (well, my gay wedding anyway), click on the video links below.


Part 1 is the ceremony.


Part 2 is the reception.

Moving and ordinary at the same time. I've been married one year as of Sunday, October 11. And the world hasn't wobbled off of its axis. The sanctity, validity, and meaning of hetero-marriages in California weren't threatened by my marriage.

Glad to celebrate. Sad that others don't have the same right.

Equal protection, as guaranteed under the 14th Amendment. We will accept no less and will work until it is achieved. We should not have to beg or bargain for the right to work our jobs and go to school free of harassment and discrimination, the right to safety in our daily lives, the right to equitable healthcare, the right to marry, and the right to serve in the military openly.

Started in marketing - drifted toward engagement

Someone posed a question to me: What do you know now that you wish you'd known then?

(In truth, I bristled at this. I like to be the one posing the questions!)

But it boils down to this. At the start of my career, I was involved in a one-to-many gig. It was public relations, outreach, marketing. Whatever you call what I did back then, it was all about getting the word out to as many people as possible. Not a bad thing; just presumptuous. It presumes the mass audience gives a damn about what I'm talking about. These days we'd refer to this approach as "push marketing."

Over the years, I discovered a more effective way. Not one-to-many. No. One-to-one or one-to-few is ever-so-much-more effective in the end, especially when the "one" or "few" you relate to are known to care about the cause I'm representing.

Instead of me telling you my story, and me hoping you will do what I want you to do, I get to know you. Relate to you. Become involved with you. Call it what you want. I personally like the term engagement, mainly because I like the dating-to-marriage metaphor that it evokes.

When someone is engaged to you (with you), your beloved doesn't walk into the room and hand you a four-color brochure listing his good qualities. He doesn't force feed you his list of projects he's implementing. He doesn't spend his time droning on and on about his great past accomplishments. While you know quite a bit about his past, it's not because he told you his life-story right off the top, or in one sitting.

No. You got engaged to (engaged with) the other person because you came to figure out that you care about the same stuff. You care about each other: he about you, and you about him. If I were to eavesdrop, I'd hear you sharing with each other your hopes and dreams, and joint plans for the future. Together, you would craft the terms of your relationship, your promises to each other, your intentions for spending a long time together, supporting each other, for better or worse. That's much more along the lines of how we should be "engaged" with a donor. Shifting this mindset entirely changes the conversation.

So, what I know now that I wish I knew then is: It's all about the relationship, a two-way relationship. If the relationship is founded on me always getting you to do what I want you to do, then it's headed for, uh, well, a messy divorce.

But if I engage you as one who cares passionately about a shared cause, you will do whatever you can. It's really that simple.

Hooray for the Hawkeye State, Where the Tall Corn Grows!

That's Iowa we're talkin' 'bout.

I am so proud of Iowa right now, where their Supreme Court just issued an unanimous ruling, holding that the state's same-sex marriage ban was unconstitutional. This brings a same-sex marriage victory to America's heartland. I am thrilled that equality has come to Iowa!

The justices drew explicit parallels to civil rights struggles by blacks and women, holding that the state's ban on same-sex marriage was a violation of the equality promised in the Iowa constitution. The fact that the discrimination is "traditional" doesn't cut it, otherwise "previous successful equal protection challenges of invidious racial and gender classifications would have failed," the court said in its ruling.

This ruling marks another watershed moment in the struggle for full equality. No longer will same-sex couples have their relationships treated as less than equal by the state of Iowa.

It's a very hope-filled sign of the times. My family has strong roots in Iowa; my mother was born and raised there. Though she and my father moved to far-off Chicago (!), we spent many summers and Christmas holidays there. I have a bunch of cousins, and second-cousins, and third-cousins there. It's the sort of family that started having an annual reunion in the 1940s and has convened every August since. We go back there every few years, even after all this time (30+ years) away from the Midwest.

Last summer, when my now-husband and I announced that we were getting married, I sent save-the-date announcements to all the cousins. After all, over the years, I've been invited to all their weddings and most of their children's weddings. But I confess I wasn't exactly sure what the reaction would be.

In retrospect, I never should have doubted. A bunch of my cousins started to organize a group vacation to celebrate the day (and to visit California's wine country, no doubt). Real life intervened, and most of them bailed, one-by-one, except for Leslie and his wife who flew in from Des Moines.

But the folks back in Iowa were poised for news, anxious to see pictures, generous with remembrances. I was moved.

Point is: most people "get it" about the link between civil rights and same-sex marriage, especially when they know someone who is open about who they are and the family they want to create. Many fair-minded Iowans — and fair-minded people across the country — will be celebrating with us. I know my Iowa cousins will be.

Is My Marriage Annulled Yet?

I just finished watching the oral arguments before the California State Supreme Court. I haven't seen the "spin" from all of the marriage equality organizations -- and the Court, of course, hasn't issued its decision (and won't for awhile yet).

But I confess to a deeply unsettling sense of dread. Before today, I could not conceive how our side's argument could be denied. Now, I'm afraid it is entirely possible not only that the discrimination that is Prop 8 will be enshrined in the constituion, but that my marriage will be retroactively made non-existent. I won't shed a tear yet -- that would be premature and hopefully not necessary in the end. But, I'm having a hard time feeling optimistic at this moment.

Yesterday was different.

Estimates vary, but let's just say a LOT of people showed up under rain-threatening skies to walk from Castro's Harvey Milk Plaza to the Civic Center last night.

I was there. I was caught up in the emotions. A very diverse crowd. Young (infants, toddlers, kids, teens) and old (well, for example, I was there -- lol). Rich and poor. Committed citizens trying to make their voices heard. .
. I was kept busy as a volunteer from 4 p.m. on ... getting supplies of signs to the site, wrapping duct tape around sign handles to prevent splinters, and distributing electronic candles in clear plastic cups (see the pic of me, captured from a YouTube video, hawking the candles to people at the top of the MUNI station stairs. If you want, click on the photo to watch the video).

The rally included short comments from religious and community organizations, leaders of the many marriage equality groups, and even some celebrities (Hal Sparks of HBO's Queer As Folk is a short guy! and Cleve Jones is getting older).

And then marching as part of a throng, headed down Market Street toward the Civic Center. It was inspiring and uplifting. Every once in awhile, I'd pause to take a pic on my cell phone or send a text message to a friend who was feeling bad to have missed it all.

The program on the steps of San Francisco's City Hall included comments from the legal team and friend of the court representatives. Their cautionary tone was my first hint that it wasn't necessarily prudent to be confident.

Overall, though, it was all very positive. All very good. And hopefully some of the sentiment seeped into the consciousness of the judges who will ultimately issue their decision.

Now, at this moment, I can't help but connect the contrast in feelings between yesterday and today to the eerily reminiscent feelings between election day (working the polls to get out the vote = high optimism) and Wednesday, Nov. 5 (waking up to discover that "the people" had seen fit to rip my rights away). Perhaps I'll feel differently later. But for now -- not good.

OK now, end of rant. Whatever the outcome ... the fight for equality goes on, as it must.

The Night Before the Eve of the Oral Arguments

Tomorrow night, Wednesday, I'll be part of a candle-light march from San Francisco's Castro neighborhood to the Civic Center where the California Supreme Court is located.

Then, on Thursday, I'll be in front of the Supreme Court, witnessing the oral arguments on Proposition 8.

Gay and lesbian couples briefly enjoyed the freedom to marry in California. My husband, Kevin, and I were married on October 11, 2008. It was an incredibly special day, but we were just one of some 18,000 happy couples who were married from June 16 - November 4.

The celebration turned to bittersweet sadness in the wake of the historic November election. Cheers on Tuesday night when President Obama was elected; tears on Wednesday morning when it became clear California voters passed Proposition 8. The measure -- with a bare majority of 52% -- revised the California constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry.

I know that most readers of this blog are pretty generally sympathetic to my position; you might not, though, understand how profoundly I've been affected by this vote. If you were told you couldn't marry the person you loved -- how would you feel? How would that change your relationship with the person you love so much that you can't live without? How would it change your future plans? How would it change your life?

Just as bad: what if you had gotten married and someone tried to take it away?

Kevin and I are in a committed, trusting and loving relationship. The state of California recognized the relationship as a marriage, giving it the dignity such commitment deserves. And then it was ripped away. So ... we are fighting for our rights.

The argument is that Proposition 8 is invalid because the initiative (ballot) process was inappropriately used in an attempt to undo the constitution's core commitment to equality for everyone -- by eliminating a fundamental right from just one group -- gay and lesbian Californians. It's not right to allow the majority to vote to take rights from a minority. That's why we have a constitution to protect everyone equally, including minorities. Discrimination is wrong no matter wherever it appears. Today, it's marriage. What's next?

The passage of Proposition 8 hurt our family. Not just Kevin and me -- but my mother-in-law, our siblings, our nieces and nephews. One of the joys of our wedding was seeing how meaningful it was for all of our family members, far and wide.

It's not for me to judge other people, but I confess I do not understand the hate that fuels those who disapprove of my marriage. I know that most of the readers of this blog are straight. I invite you to talk to others about this issue. Take advantage of the moment -- the news coverage that will occur -- to speak with people you know. Let them know where you stand. And please hold a good thought as the California Supreme Court deliberates in the coming days. Thank you.

What do we want? Equality! When do we want it? Now!

Yesterday, Tuesday, I attended Equality California’s biggest Lobby Day ever! About 700 marriage supporters went to the Capitol to talk to their legislators about why they should vote for HR 5 and SR 7, dual resolutions in the Assembly and Senate calling for Prop 8 to be overturned.

Timing is everything. Looked grim at first, with drenching downpours. The legislators were in lock-down over their inability to pass a budget. The whole day could have been a bust as pols tried to find their way out of gridlock.

As it turned out, the Assembly Judiciary Committee went forward with a hearing on HR 5 -- and we witnessed this event first-hand. Here's a link to the video. There was testimony from United Farm Workers (co-founder Delores Huerta), National Center on Lesbian Rights (Shannon Minter, whose oral argument in front of the California Supreme Court last year laid the groundwork for the Court's historic decision), and EQCA's exec Geoff Kors who argued that rights should not be decided by “popularity contests.” (Video starts at 09:05 and goes to 14:14)

Then, there was a stream of heart-felt and moving testimony from grassroots citizens. See video here, fast forward to 23:27 and watch through 46:00. And, for a head-shaking-bordering-on-comic-if-they-weren't-so-earnest look at the opponents, watch 47:22 to 1:11:00 to see what we're up against.

We watched as the Committee passed the resolution in a 7 to 3 vote. If approved by the Assembly, it would put the legislature on record as opposing Prop 8.

Democracy in action. And a "not-for-profit" organization doing it's thing to influence public policy.

Happy Valentine's Day: Support equal rights

It would be impossible to guess how many charitable events there will be today. I suppose it's next to impossible to hold a charity event on a Saturday that happens to be Valentine's Day, and NOT theme it around love and caring.

I'm going to one myself at San Francisco's majestic City Hall, a monument to Beaux-Arts. Beautiful ornamentation will abound. And I'm sure the building itself will look nice, too.

The site also happens to be where more than 4,000 same-sex couples were married in 2004. The event I'm attending will evoke that historic moment. Sponsored by Equality California (EQCA), the Equality Awards event isn’t just about glamour and glitz -- though my husband and I will be decked out in our formal dinner jackets. The event is about celebrating community achievement, recognizing selfless leaders, and renewing our engagement in the fight for equality.

To everyone, my hope for you is not that you spend your life with someone you can live with. Rather, I hope you spend it with the one you can't live without.