Saying "No" to people you can't say "No" to

We seldom have the flexibility to bluntly say no to many people. Like a boss. Or a key client. Or a family member. Yesterday, I was on a call getting some advice from a guy named Michael Bungay Stanier; he runs a company called Box of Crayons that works with organizations to help them do less Good Work and more Great Work. I really like his philosophy and his stuff.

When dealing with people you can't say "No" to, Michael's advice which I'm broadly paraphrasing here, is: Say "yes" more slowly.

What gets us in trouble is how quickly we relent and say yes. That often means we say yes to something that's not aligned with our own plans, leaving no time for us to say yes to things that are aligned. We deprive ourselves of giving ourselves the time, space, and focus to do what matters for us. And then we're angry that we said yes (or felt like we couldn't say no).

So, you might ask: How do you do say yes more slowly? Basically, it's by asking lots of questions.

"Thanks for asking me to do that, but ...

"Can I ask why you asked me?"

"When you say it's urgent, what does that mean for you?"

"What does success look like for this?"

"If I had to do this at an adequate level instead of an excellent level, what would that be?"

"If I could only do part of this, and not the whole of it, what part would you want me to focus on?"

"If I were take this on, what other things that I've agreed to do for you could be stopped, so that I have the time and space to do what you're asking me now?"

Of course, you can't do this all the time. But when you go through questioning like this, one of several things happens:

1. When you do actually say yes, you've said yes to something more clear, defined, and specific. So, you don't have to overwork it or do the wrong thing or do it faster than necessary.

2. Sometimes, the questioning results in negotiation, so you end up doing something far different than what was originally asked.

3. Sometimes, the person asking says, "You know what? I don't know the answers to those questions. Let me go away and figure that out. And then I'll come back to you." And then, often as not, they don't come back.

4. Sometimes, they say, to them selves, "This questioning is too much like hard work. I'm going to go find someone who will say yes more quickly."

5. Sometimes, in future, the person will be more careful about asking you to do things, and will come better prepared to articulate what they really want.

It won't work all the time, of course, but it's worth a try! Isn't that great advice? Thanks Michael.